Is Chivalry Dead?
by Calla Jones Corner
A few years ago, something confusing happened to me. I almost had to open a door.
My husband and I had gone to Tiberon, Ca. to visit our son. We stayed at a lovely hotel on the water. I chose the hotel due to its fabulous location and its continental breakfast in bed. We love the water and I love breakfast in bed.
One night, upon returning to the hotel after dinner, I got out of our son’s car first and headed for the hotel’s door. Suddenly, out of nowhere stepped another hotel guest. He reached for the door’s handle and then quickly stepped back. I looked at this 60-ish-year-old man; I was confused. He seemed as confused as I. I’m sure he was wondering if he should open the door for me.
I was wondering if chivalry was finally dead.
Before Richard appeared to settle the question by opening the door for both me and the other guest, I said to the guest, “I’m on your side. I’m not a feminist.” The confusion on the guest’s face as he gestured for Richard to proceed before him was telling. Should he or shouldn’t he open the door for a woman in this age of woke uber-feminism?
Should he hold the door for another man, especially for an older man?
If this man of a certain age was wondering about such an age-old custom, was he also wondering, if, by doing so and opening a door for a woman of a certain age, would he be violating part of my identity?
Troublesome Testosterone
Maybe so in northern California, where uber-everything and gender politics have gone to pot, literally and figuratively. Frankly, I’m fed up with some women trying to make normal men feel guilty for doing things that come naturally to them. I’m not talking about Weinstein, Epstein, or Clinton. I’m talking about kindergartners being taught about “male toxicity.”
I was living in Switzerland in 1971 when women finally had the right to vote in federal elections, the last European democracy to do so. The main reason for the delay is the importance of direct democracy in the Swiss Constitution. This system of grass roots democracy goes down to communes (sometime made up of small villages where farming is the main source of income and still mainly done by men), then to cantons (there are 26), and finally to Bern, the capital. Appenzell, one of these cantons, had been the holdout for decades.
I asked a Swiss friend, Eliane, about her feelings on getting to vote in federal elections. I remember her answer: “That’s good,” she said, “but I hope this doesn’t mean I have to serve in the Swiss army!”
Eliane was a dutiful wife, who, like most Swiss housewives, once a year got her husband’s military uniform out from mothballs, aired it on the balcony and said goodbye to her spouse for the obligatory two weeks Swiss men had to give the Swiss army until they turned fifty-five.
Saving Friends and Family
A few years ago, Benedict Cumberbatch was riding in an uber car with his wife in central London when he saw a delivery man on a bike being assaulted by four men, one of whom was bashing the man’s head with a bottle. The famous actor leapt out of the car’s open door, giving no thought to his own safety, and wrestled with the men who ultimately recognized him and ran away. When asked by a reporter why he did what he did, Cumberbatch replied, “Because I had to.”
The fact is that Cumberbatch didn’t have to do what he did. But he did it anyway, out of a sense of gallantry and common decency. This modern-day Sherlock Holmes flew out of the car despite the distinct possibility of being attacked by young knife-toting thugs in a city where danger is now a daily challenge to pedestrians. He could have been sued by the attackers in this age of misplaced victimhood.
Sir Walter Raleigh didn’t have to place his cape over a puddle so Queen Elizabeth wouldn’t get her feet wet. But he did, as the story goes; it was the right and gentlemanly or chivalrous thing to do. I wouldn’t have been a bit surprised if the Queen had awarded Mr. Cumberbatch a knighthood for his selfless deed. And I wouldn’t be surprised if the actor now opens doors for his wife and other women who may call themselves feminists. He may even serve his wife breakfast in bed now and then. It would be nice to know that chivalry, gallantry, along with common decency, are not dead in Britain from where so many of our mores come.
But, like here, I fear it is.
Doing The Gallant Thing
Lest anyone think that males have a monopoly on doing the right thing in the face of danger, let me point out that in 2018, Wendy Winters, a 65-year-old mother of four and a reporter for the Baltimore Sun, threw herself at a gunman, stopping the slaughter of colleagues and dying in the brave act. Apparently, she didn’t hesitate a moment. I wonder what feminists think about that.
I'd like to think that I would also have the courage to do what Wendy Winters did; dying to save friends. Family and friends, yes! I'm not so sure about strangers. Would I go to Ethiopia, like a dear friend of mine – about my age – formerly from Montecito, has just done to help the needy? My friend is indeed a very decent person. Does that mean I'm not a decent person?
From my perch here in France, perhaps the best example of how much common decency is lacking these days, is the horrid way many (especially the press) in the U.K. have treated Catherine, Princess of Wales during her fight to save her family from harmful innuendo and herself from cancer. Her brave explanation on a bench in Windsor Park of why her cancer news was held back until she could tell her three children, followed by giving hope to other cancer patients and their families, is much more than common decency.
I don't think there is a word for it.
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It’s a pleasure to see young men open doors for their elders and women, and younger women hold doors for elders. It’s a ripple effect of common courtesy—We’re herd animals, we do what we see others do. Why in the world courtesy is not a good thing is just another confusion in the “woke” gender nightmare spell cast by a few harridans and hacks. May the door be slammed in their faces when we all wake up!
Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use. Emily Post.