My Psychic Predictions for 2024

by Andy Caldwell

Andy “Zoltar” Caldwell peers into 2024.

My Psychic Predictions for 2024 

County Supervisor Bob Nelson, who also dubs himself the “Mayor of Orcutt,” will discover, quite by accident, that he now represents the City of Santa Maria (along with Orcutt) because of redistricting. This will prove to be a game changer because he has been very critical of the fact that the City of Santa Maria won’t sell state water to developers outside the city limits (who want to use the water to build retail development). This is a financially prudent longstanding policy; the city understands that any money it makes selling water will be forfeited by the loss of sales-tax dollars leaking to other jurisdictions.

Once Nelson realizes he represents the city of Santa Maria too, he will have an epiphany and realize it’s not the lack of water that’s hindering retail development in Orcutt, instead, it is the County’s arduous permitting process and the exorbitant fees that go along with it. Hence, he will happily support Santa Maria’s annexation of land in Orcutt, which will come with city water, so that the properties can be developed.

Cock-A-Doodle-Doo

County supervisors will waffle on their plan to swiftly eliminate the nuisance of roosters as they continue to drag their feet on the multi-fold nuisance having to do with marijuana growers. The nuisance having to do with rooster operations are two-fold.  First, the unrelenting 24/7 noise that is driving neighbors literally out of their minds and their homes, and the altogether high probability that the only reason people raise roosters in large numbers is to sell the same for cockfighting.

My prediction is that the supervisors will waffle once the rooster operators realize the only reason that the nuisance of pot operations have been allowed for so long is the county is making money by taxing the operations. Hence, the rooster operators will offer the county a percentage of their profits and the supervisors will then crow for the cause of diversity, equity, and inclusion and look the other way. Cockfighting is, after all, a favored sport in several foreign cultures and in some American states.

In The Doghouse

The most entertaining columnist in the south county is Nick Welsh who writes for the Santa Barbara Independent under the moniker of “The Angry Poodle Barbeque.” Well, my psychic prediction is that it will be revealed the poodle is dating a Dalmatian! And not just any dalmatian but a bona-fide fire-station Dalmatian. To keep out of the doghouse, Nick will continue to virtually ignore the scandal and ominous court case involving the county fire department’s attempt to steal a contract bid from American Medical Response for ambulance services in Santa Barbara County. 

Left-Turn Signaling

Taking a cue from the Biden administration, left-wing Supervisors Das Williams, Laura Capps, and Joan Hartman are going to get serious, really serious, about climate change. That is, the days of useless rhetoric and banal virtue signaling in an echo chamber will be gone. According to Greta Thunberg, we only have four years left to save the planet. What the Biden administration did was order all federal employees to forego the use of airplane flights for trips of less than 250 miles and as reported in the Government Executive, “workers on official business will have to prioritize taking public transit, renting electric vehicles, or even riding bikes under a new memorandum. Agencies should also consider not sending employees on business trips at all, with GSA noting, ‘In every case, the trip not taken is the least expensive and most sustainable.’”

The Supervisors will enact the very same policies for county employees, albeit, considering we live in So Cal, they will additionally encourage skateboarding and roller skating to work. These new employee transportation requirements will free up even more county parking lots for additional homeless hut villages.