The War Against Rocks (and Stones)

by Dale Lowdermilk

One of my favorite cartoons from the 1990s depicted two cavemen standing among an assortment of rocks and gravel. With a sympathetic, worried look in his eye, one Neanderthal says to the other “…I know how you feel, but I’m not sure it’s possible to keep rocks from falling into the wrong hands…”

The artist's keen sense of humor has incited and inspired me to explore the under-appreciated hazards and benefits of sticks and stones.

The conundrum of persistent violence between humans has always fascinated me, and in today’s Age of Inclusion, Diversity, Equity, Enlightenment, Reconciliation and Pretend Identities, here are some facts and suggestions which might explain our strange inability to get along.

Some experts argue that we are genetically hard-wired towards violence, self-preservation and are haunted with uncontrollable primal forces (human nature?) that prevent us from getting along.

Everyone seems to overlook the possibility that the “easy access” to lethal weapons has been the keystone to both our survival and our demise.

Hold this thought… before the Atomic Age, there was the Stone Age. The link between sticks (and stones) can be traced directly to toothpicks and modern assault weapons. Yes toothpicks!

In 1984, America suffered 8,000 injuries from toothpicks.

This means that without a “warning label” (and professional training) on toothpicks, there have been approximately 240,000 facial, optical, oral, intestinal and throat injuries caused by the otherwise “harmless” toothpick.

Rocks and Stones Far More Dangerous

So, while the seemingly innocuous toothpick can be a dangerous and deadly device, we have much more to worry about when and if rocks (or, colloquially, stones) find themselves in the wrong hands.

When screeching primates, at the beginning of 2001-A Space Odyssey, accidentally discover how bones and rocks could repel intruders, the race for superior weapons was on. Real weaponry has evolved into menacing black AR15s and ICBMs, but rocks are still here, and they are just as deadly as they ever were.

Google How to make weapons with rocks and you’ll get nearly 100 million links to articles about primitive tools, wilderness tips, homesteads, Native American history, survival schools, how to escape a high security prison in Upstate New York and torture devices of the 12th Century.

I won’t bore you with excerpts from Wikipedia’s “History of Weapons,” because the building blocks for real weapons of choice (tomahawk, axe, spear, bow and arrow, knife, sling, bolo), both primal and modern, were, and still are, rocks. Catapults, for example, are useless without rocks. Speaking of which, did you know that catapults are illegal in Australia and a dozen cities/states in America?

There are exceptions however: an Aussie “catapult” is illegal, unless you have a special permit to own an “arborists slingshot,” used to get a rope over the branch of a tall tree.

Biblical References
There are 128 mentions of rocks and 367 references to stones in the King James Version of the Bible. The Quran uses either word only 12 times, but in both religions, the first exposure to the lethality of a well-placed rock occurs when Cain decides that Abel’s services were no longer required.

From my limited biblical and Quranic knowledge, the term rock can also mean safety, protection, strength, or asylum. Is it possible that those screeching primates from 2001 Space Odyssey were brandishing sticks and stones because they knew instinctively that such tools could also be used as a deterrent?

Rocks were an integral component to the original concealable, skull-crushing, primal assault-weapons. The first projectiles used in early muzzle loading firearms, for example, were not made of lead, but river stones (aka rocks), and the largest cannon barrels ever built expelled rocks

Early man-made instruments of death, such as the Dardanelles projectile, which was 24.8 inches in diameter and required 60 oxen to be moved, required precisely sculpted pieces of big, hard, pieces of fused iron, silicon, aluminum, and oxygen, sometimes described as "ammunition" or (monosyllabically) as rocks. Not exactly the weapon of choice by Navy SEALS, but evolutionarily speaking, without rocks, there would be no AK-47s, AR-15s or water pistols.

How can we as a society finally protect ourselves from thrown, catapulted, flung, fired, or rolled, deadly rock force?

There is a Solution

My proposal to end all danger from these deadly devices is to pass a powerful bill that I’ve labeled the “Protect Children from Sticks, Stones, and Other Easily Acquired Assault Weapons Act.”

This legislation will mandate that: only certified masonry workers, door-to-door gravel salesmen, concrete technicians, or those with a need-to-hoe, shall be allowed to carry rocks, aggregate samples, nuggets, or broken pieces of obsidian.

Banning rocks (or the elements they contain) may not be easy, popular, or even effective, but, and I think we can all agree, that if the intentions are good, every law that may save lives must be passed. Hundreds of new legislative mandates such as this will help get the boulders rolling safely again.

Even with the passage of this needed legislation, it will still be possible for rocks to fall into the wrong hands, so this proposal may be just the beginning of (if you’ll pardon the expression) an avalanche of anti-rock decrees that will finally make a dent in the misuse of such weaponry and the misery such misuse causes.

You can thank me later, when the “Protect Children from Sticks, Stones, and Other Easily Acquired Assault Weapons Act” becomes the Law of the Land.